that the other night i absolutely sauteed some spinach to perfection.

add pasta, chicken, and pesto, and holy christ was it a good meal.

you all are making me think very seriously about whether i actually am capable of committing. i’ve pretty thoroughly convinced myself that i don’t want to, but sometimes i still have to wonder if i tell myself that because i’m not capable of it. sometimes i want to believe that i will become capable of it if i meet the right person, that love will be like the fairy tale it should be and that committing to him/her should be the easiest thing in the world for me. (by the way, i quit smoking years ago after being disgusted with it, and it was the easiest thing in the world for me. that has proved both a blessing and a curse: of course, i’m no longer a smoker and am quite happy with that, but it also gives me an excuse to be lazier about my drinking habits – that is, if i just reach that point of being disgusted with my drinking, it will be super easy to quit. naturally, i know on an intellectual level that that is not the best way to think about it, but it’s amazing how much the power of intellect can be squashed in the face of addiction.)
that parenthesis was so ridiculously long that i forgot my original train of thought. oh yes. someone in the last thread asked me why my goal said i wanted to be in a relationship at all if i was so intent on having my cake and eating it too. i think that question could have one of two answers, and i’m not sure which it is.
one option is that i really want to find someone who is cool with me having my cake and eating it too, but sort of always coming back to him/her. he/she could do the same thing, too, as long as everybody is always safe. i’m just not jealous that way.
the other option is that what i truly want, but don’t want to admit that i want, is to be able to commit. i’ve had problems defining a healthy relationship, even if it is a personal definition.
i don’t have any answers right now but i didn’t want everyone to think i was ignoring them and/or this goal.
cheers.

So I made a nice autumn feast. Here in South America, we have this wonderful variety of pumpkin called “zapallo”, and I’ve been craving it like mad, so I made some. I wanted to make a soup with it, but I couldn’t find any broth that wasn’t dehydrated tablets, so I gave up on the soup. I steamed it with some cinnamon and sugar. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s not possible to steam pumpkin in the microwave! I also made some corn, chicken, and zucchini. Sauteed zucchini, for some reason, is something I always seem to do perfectly. It’s simple – some oil, a minced garlic clove, and a little salt and pepper – but if you cook it just right it tastes great. About 2-3 minutes, until it’s tender and just a little crisp.
The chicken I improved on, but I still need work. I made it in a much better pan, and selected thinner pieces. However, it still threw my timing WAY off, since it had to cook a lot longer than expected. I should probably just start cooking it in the oven, but I really like it stovetop, and it’s easier for my neurotic self to check. Anyway, there was nothing exciting spice-wise about this meal, but it still tasted great and homemade. Just a little salt, pepper, and paprika on the chicken; salt, pepper, and garlic on the zucchini; and sugar and cinnamon on the pumpkin (and of course butter and salt on the corn). But it looked very pretty, and it was very nutritious. I’m not a low-carb eater – quite the opposite, actually – but I found this meal stood just fine for me without bread, rice, potatoes, etc., although they could all be used just fine too.
Next time I cook chicken I need a better plan. But other than that, yay to a yummy meal! :)

Well, what I said was that I cheated a little and wanted TO [cheat] a whole lot more. But beside that point, your response is thought-provoking.

A few years ago I came to the realization that I am the most important person in my own life. It sounds like common sense, but a LOT of people never realize it. Now, that’s not to say I’m selfish – I’m a teacher, for Christ’s sake – but I pretty much do what I want to when I want to in terms of things like eating, drinking, and kissing. I just feel like if I’m dancing with someone and that really hot song about scandalously hooking up with someone comes on, and I feel like kissing him, why the hell shouldn’t I? Because of someone else? That just sounds like nonsense to me (by the way, this happened really recently and started world war three in my relationship). Anyway, I digress…

The thing I have always wanted to do with my life is travel. It’s not important for me to have the same job my whole life, or anything like that, but I would like to live in many different countries and learn new languages and cultures. It is very hard to be away from my family (I had to say goodbye to my grandmother forever via Skype), but it is worth it. I have yet to meet someone that is interested enough in me to deal with my desire to travel. I have a fantastic guy in Philadelphia who says he is willing to travel with me, but it’s really just because he hates to be without me; it is killing him right now. It’s not what he REALLY wants in life and in a relationship. It also kills him that I send the (possibly true) message that traveling the world is more important to me than my relationship with him (or anyone). Is that a horrible thing to say?

It’s also worth noting that I really do have a fear of commitment, and I’m not sure why. My boss in Chile is going to ask me very soon if I’m planning on staying another year, and my head has been spinning with the question since I got here. I think I would like to, but I’m scared to death of the commitment of it. I think I also fear that if I did get married, I wouldn’t be able to commit to that. I really have a lot of respect for the idea of marriage and I really don’t want to fuck it up.

Sigh. I don’t know. When I tell people I’m so far from being ready to settle down, they say, “well, you’re young”. But when I drank like a fish in college they said, “well, you’re in college” and now I’m in a serious struggle with my drinking habits. Are there other people out there that just seriously don’t ever want to settle down and are pretty content with that? I’d love to hear from you.

one problem with this goal. i have always, always, my whole life, wanted to have my cake and eat it too. i have ALMOST never had a relationship where i didn’t cheat at least once, and want to a whole lot more. i am totally okay with this; i just wish the people i date would be as okay with it.
the question arises, though: is it healthy? what exactly is the definition of a healthy relationship? do i just have to grow up a little bit and suddenly that settle down instinct will kick in? i’ve been waiting to grow up for years now. i’m out of college, i lived with a guy for well over a year, and he’s completely ready to marry me and treat me like the best thing since sliced bread for the rest of his life. what’s wrong with me? is it that i haven’t found the right person, or is that life just not for me?
when i was making this goal, i was careful not to write anything about monogamy or (much less) marriage, but i am questioning my own beliefs that a relationship can be healthy without that kind of commitment. what do you think?